And the stars look very different today…

A very Happy New Year to you and you and you.

It is with great sadness that we start 2016 without one of the greatest, diverse and evolutionary mad musical geniuses that ever was. Alas, I have a sneaky feeling the Starman would want us all to be the most fabulous selves we can be and most of all, not to be boring…RIP Mr Bowie.


Sticking with goodbyes, I must acknowledge one more super star that has left us in recent weeks and that is the majestic Lemmy of Motorhead. I am very, very lucky to be able to say that I got to see him play live with both Motorhead and Probot. Watching him play was like someone picked me up, shook me until I was giddy and ultimately left my brain knocking around my skull. Lemmy really was the epitome of a rock and roll icon. Goodbye to you, my skull knocking hero.


Holy cow,  I hope that this goodbye list isn’t going to get any longer but I need to add a couple more nods. Firstly to Glenn Frey of The Eagles. Take it Easy is one of my all time favorite Eagles songs to which I frequently start my mornings cat wailing the lyrics to. Thank you Mr Frey for the beautiful material that I torture my girlfriend and neighbors with on the daily.


Then of course Alan Rickman, man words cannot express his genius and I cannot express the importance of an actor of his caliber. I will miss him, I think most of all. One of my absolute favorites…always.


I hope all of these heroes rest in peace and that their families find solace in their legacy and impact on the world because all four of these men were giants among men.

I recently went to see Henry Rollins at St Georges in Bristol. As usual Rollins did not disappoint, he was positively fabulous. It’s really very hard to describe his shows to newbies, as I found with my girlfriend. This is how that conversation went down.

Me: So hey you wanna go see Henry Rollins in Bristol?

Charlie (Girlfriend): Who is Henry Rollins again? The guy who’s in the cat band?

Me: No the cat flag band shirt is a pun on the band he was actually in Black Flag.

Charlie: Oh okay…Are they screamy?

Me: A bit I guess but it’s not a gig, there’s no music it’s just him talking.

Charlie: Is he screamy?

Me: Well I guess kinda but like in a passionate way.

Charlie: *Raises eyebrow* ??

Me: It’s like a comical philosophy lesson from a punk rocker. You in?

Charlie: Will there be cats?

ME: Sure why not…

Charlie: Sold…

Honestly you just have to get these newbies there, she hasn’t stopped harping on about it and now down to Henry Rollins I’m pretty sure we will be spending our honeymoon in Santiago And if you, like me acknowledge Henry Rollins as the one true savior then you simply must go see a show…or just look the guy up, buy his book, listen to his podcast…simply get all up in that sexy man’s grill.

I have just finished watching the Making a Murderer documentary on Netflix and gah it’s a minefield of horror. From the injustice in the American judicial system (that just keeps getting highlighted over and over again by the likes of the dash cam footage of young unarmed black men being gunned down in the street by police, to the racial profiling that might have been at the heart of Serial and now to this documentation of fuckery) to the actual crime that hasn’t been given a proper investigation which resulted in the despicable murder of a 25 year old woman  who had her whole life ahead of her.

It isn’t my job as a viewer to accuse or provide theories (despite my passionate deluded interest in these cases) but as a witness to a documentation of such dire inadequate prosecution and conviction, it is my responsibility to express my absolute disgust at the way this crime was treated.

Lets not forget that this isn’t a murder mystery for our entertainment but a documentation of injustice possibly for Steve Avery and possibly for Brendan Dassey but most definitely without a doubt an injustice on Teresa Halbach whose death has not been in receipt of a proper trial considering how it would appear to all who watch with an unbiased mind, that her killer could possibly still be out there.

It also left me with a fowl taste for those vultures that call themselves journalists squawking in on the remains of broken people for their scoop (shit is that why they call it a scoop?).  Oh man that dateline producer bitch made my blood boil by uttering the words ‘murder is hot right now’…fuck man seriously? fucking seriously? If I were a pigeon I would shit in her face!

This is must watch TV because it’s one of those important ones much like Serial before it, this is a story that the world needs to hear so that we can eye up those corrupt sons of dickheads and make them answer for this horseshit excuse for a prosecution.

So thanks for reading my spiel.

I wish you all the best year you could possibly have.

My new years resolution were threefold and I will write them here as written evidence that I committed to these three things.

  1. Be more zen
  2. If I can’t be more zen, be more ruthless
  3. Be brave.






The Bee Twelve Blues.


I have always wanted to live beside the sea. It’s not exactly like I wake up every morning and open the curtains to a beautiful view of crashing waves and boats bobbing along the horizon, but even though my dreams haven’t completely come true (yet), it’s always on hand that if I sweet talk my girlfriend I can get her to buy me take out coffee and drive the 2 miles it takes to get to the edge or gap of the country.

Lepe is a beautiful country park a mile of water away from the Isle of Wight, you can see the Island in the distance of this photo. It’s storming here in the UK right now so the swell is pretty huge, perfect weather for the windsurfers and gulls. It’s beautifully moody at Lepe right now. I sat there with my americano and watched the waves do the okey cokey as the old chaps on their windsurfers battled the forces. I watched the aerodynamics of the gulls with fascination as the clouds overhead threatened to unleash their heavy burden. I soundtracked the scene with some ‘We the Generation’ by Rudimental, which didn’t quite fit but it’s my girlfriend and I’s compromise album at the moment. We like a lot of the same music but are often not in the mood for the others choice which can cause one of us to sulk.

One of my highlights of the day was spotting this little Turnstone, one of our winter visitors from Canada. They are named after their habit of flipping stones over in search of nommy treats.


I’m having a bit of a ‘what the hell am I doing’ phase at the moment. I don’t work. I am a student. I have MS. I’m tired all of the time. I have to do things in bits, 15 minutes here, 15 minutes there. It’s a great way to piss the time away. BUT if I don’t take the breaks I’m useless. Nearly 3 years of diagnosis and I don’t have a fucking clue how to live with this. I want to be positive and work towards something but I just don’t know what it is I should be doing. Studying I guess? But am I studying the right subject? Do I want to work in counselling? I think so…but writing, I want to write stories about vampires and apocalypses. I want to be the next Stephen King but realistically I’m not a very talented or disciplined writer and I’m not even sure I know what a simile is.

Winge, winge, wobble, wobble. It’s one of those kinds of weeks. I have been listening to my wallow mix a lot this week, I should probably just rename it ‘Hit play in case of B12 reserves running low mix’. It’s fucking fantastic feeling this shit every 10 weeks. B12 deficiency is fascinating. It’s one of my collection of problems that I often forget about until I’m due my top up jab, then all hell breaks loose. It aggravates old MS symptoms and breathes new life into those not so bad as they were pins and needles with added numb hands and feet, and then there’s the issue of wanting to murder everyone including myself for like two weeks which is very frustrating not to act upon. When the injection comes I am automatically right as rain. I wonder if much of it is psychosomatic because it’s what I have come to expect. Who knows, fascinating huh?

On a not much brighter note, my life is a mix tape choice for the week is Kapitan Korsakov’s ‘In the shade of the sun‘ because the line ‘You look like summer wouldn’t dare to survive you’ is so immensely soul destroying, I couldn’t resist playing this on repeat this week. The vocals are bleak, the music sounds like it’s about to pick up to a more hopeful tempo but never does, it stays in that dark pit of despair with you and pokes you with feelings. You might think sad music is not what you need when you are feeling depressed but I disagree wholeheartedly; it’s the only thing that can make me feel anything other than empty when I feel this sad. I might be being a tad melodramatic in this post. It’s the B12, it turns me into a diva. More jokes! BRING ME PUPPIES!

I’ve also been listening to a lot of Sleater Kinney this week due to consuming Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl at the pace of a disabled sloth on steroids…which is pretty fast for me! HMMAMG is the memoir by the wonderfully brilliant guitarist/vocalist/humorist/multi-talented amazing person Carrie Brownstein. I’m actually listening to the audiobook so I don’t really have much excuse for my slow consumption, I think I’m probably just procrastinating in the B12 wallow pit. I love this woman so much, I say love in the sense of over exaggeration, I don’t really know the woman BUT she is without a doubt one of the most relatable and admirable famous people I have ever tripped over my own heart and stumbled into (In explanation I like many before me discovered Sleater Kinney during the shittiest of break ups). At the heart of the memoir is a fans journey into a dream of rock and roll glory, with all the bruises and scars that come with it. I am enjoying it immensely. I can’t wait to re-read the hardback, kinda bummed her UK book tour sold out so quickly, maybe next time. I mean she has to write the Portlandia memoir next right? RIGHT? PUPPIES!

I don’t know what this blog is anymore. I don’t know when I’ll be posting or about what. I will try and maintain it because it’s a nice little outlet for me to throw words out into the ether. This post has been me writing a little bit everyday so maybe I’ll do that and publish at the end of the week…we’ll see.

Thanks so much for reading and apologies for the B12 deficiency leaking into the post.

Peace. Love. Harmony. Respect.

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Wimbledon and Fiance-Faces!


I don’t really know why I like tennis.

I’m not a huge sports fan, well actually I’m not really a sports fan all together. I’m not sure though if this is true, perhaps I just don’t like the identity of a sports fan because I love my identity as a creative nerdface (who doesn’t create anything) and sports and art don’t really go together.

I am having a bit of a sports fan identity crisis.

In fact when I told my friends I was going to Wimbledon, one of them responded with a pained ‘Why?’ and when I said ‘Well I love tennis’ he went quiet and replied with a raised eyebrow ‘Well that is something I never knew about you’.

It had started, I had just come out of the jock fan girl closet.

I love tennis. I blame Justine Henin.

I remember coming home from school one day and being distraught that the afternoon cartoons had been replaced by these sweaty people hitting balls around. For some reason I left the TV on, only maybe paying it 0.2% of my attention, when a random close up of Henin’s face caught my eye. It transformed my 0.2% attention to 100% instantly.

Her face was like a million words. Big beautiful words that only the likes of Butler-Yeats could do justice. Henin showed me that day how tennis can be an art. The dedication and determination bit into my core and suddenly I wanted her to win. The emotion rose from excited butterflies in my stomach to a pounding hammer in my chest and throat.

That was the day I understood what it means to be a sports fan. To sit on the line with a player willing them to push themselves far enough to win. That even though you didn’t really break a sweat, it feels as if you win too, the euphoria is breathtaking. If they lose you’re right there with them through all the disappointment…until tea time and you remember that you aren’t really all that much affected by some guy losing a tennis match.

I went to Wimbledon on Tuesday. It was an experience that I have wanted to participate in since seeing Henin play all those years ago. It really was everything I expected and more. Including the extortionate prices…apparently my girlfriend thought £8 for a plastic cup of pimms was reasonable.


We tussled with the conundrum of where to stay as prices soared for accommodation the longer we left it. We eventually decided to drive and camp in the van which turned out to be a really cool idea. However, when all was said and done it ended up still costing us a pretty penny, what with camping site fees, congestion charges, park and ride fare and Pimms but I’m glad we camped. It was a liberating feeling sitting out under the stars with the dozens of happy sqwarking parakeets that I was so excited at first to see until the morning when we discovered that they had shat all over our van.

20150701_214632 We arrived early and headed to Henman hill to eat our lunch and watch a bit of Liam Broady’s game against David Goffin, we didn’t catch the end but unfortunately Liam lost out despite playing a great game. Henman hill is a lot smaller than I had imagined, actually to be honest the whole venue was a lot smaller than I had imagined, which was a massive relief for my reserve of spoons.

We then headed to court one to start our days worth of tennis games. First up was Tommy Haas and Milos Raonic. My girlfriend and I took massage wages on each player, I backed Raonic and she backed Haas. Play was excruciating to watch, it was peek heat time and it felt uncomfortable just sitting there so god knows how those boy’s coped. They were both beautiful players to watch. Raonic won 3-1 and I have left Wimbledon with a huge crush on the Canadian.


Next up was the show stopper Heather Watson vs Daniella Hantuchova. The crowd were obviously backing the Brit and she won 2-0. I watched the nail biting game between Watson and Serena (at home unfortunately) and I was absolutely distraught at her loss. I am a massive fan of Williams but Watson was the underdog and what with her being a Brit and my having seen her play in the flesh I was pretty upset. Watson was so close! She was playing the game of her life at 23 and giving the #1 seed a run for her money. Watson is one to watch. I will now be backing Williams all the way for the seasons grand slam. Sorry Ms Williams for my fickle support.


Finally it was Stan ‘the man’ Wawrinka vs Victor Estrella Burgos. I put my massage stakes on Burgos and unfortunately he lost his game 3-0 and I lost my massage. They both played well but Burgos had a fire that I couldn’t dismiss and I think he was unfortunate in this game.


As we stood to applaud Wawrinka’s win, my girlfriend got down on one knee and proposed to me like a massive womb. If you had told me this was how she was going to propose in advance I would have had a full blown panic attack whilst running as fast as I can to the hills…fuck the hills I would have gone to the damn moon! But as it turns out I’m a super womb too.


So yeah I am getting married but I think that deserves a post to itself. So I shall just comment that it was a perfect proposal and to no-one’s surprise, I responded like an idiot;.


So that’s about it for my Wimbledon adventure. I am 100 % behind Serena for the grand slam and Federer for the world record of 8 Wimbledon wins. It’s so very exciting. I will be watching in anticipation and I wish all the players well and thank them for such a passionate entertainment.

Go team SPORTS!

Thanks so much for reading.

Peace, Love, Harmony and Respect.


Happy Birthday to me.

I am 28 years old.

I am now older than Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Mark Bolan, Mia Zapata, Kristen Pffaf and countless other creative genius’ will ever be.

That to me is a bit of a mind meltdown. I don’t mean any disrespect to those passed away and I don’t intend to be in anyway judgmental or sensational on the lifestyles those individuals lead. It’s just really fucking weird to think of all of these people I grew up idolizing who are now always going to be younger than me.

I guess it makes me wonder if their music will change its meaning as I grow older or will listening to these folks always make me feel young? I guess it’s an interesting question that only time itself can answer. If I don’t make it that much further than them could you please PM me in the afterlife and let me know.

That was my main thought on turning 28. That and how sad it is that now I am an adult approaching 30 all of my birthday presents are kitchen appliances but hey clean clothes and slow cooked stews are not anything to turn one’s nose up at.

I am not going to address the fact that I have been M.I.A (not the rapper) for a while now because it’s all just boring bullcrap excuses but I will give you a list of all the things I have been doing that I will hopefully, probably write about in the upcoming weeks.

That list starts here; Orange is the new black, L7, Attack on Titan, Women’s world cup, Sense8, Amanda Fucking Palmer, Bleach, Revisiting old literature faves, LGBTQ+ celebrations, business start ups, webcomic stuff, relapsing fun times, new med anxiety, gardening, freaking out about the state of this rock we live on and much more that I can’t recall right now.

Thanks for reading this short little update. I hope to have stuff up for reading next week but in the mean time I am off to watch the sexy, sexy men hit balls at each other…tennis balls.

Peace, love, harmony and respect.


Against Me! and finding myself in a beer keller?

Great photography bro!

Last week I went to see Against Me! play at The Bierkeller, Bristol. 

It was a great venue for short people as you could stand on the tables.

Which seemed like a great idea until a few larger people stood behind us and started to jump up and down.

Now those benches looked pretty sturdy but they also looked pretty damn old and if they had been jumped up and down on for every gig housed there then perhaps this would be the end for me and my 4ft 10 girlfriend.

It was a sketchy hour and a half.

We lived to see another day.

I don’t get to go to as many gigs as I once did.

The evening time is mostly when my MS tends to come out and play.

It’s also when the really cool punk bands play really cool shows for the really cool social vampires.

Seeing how the two of us (MS and I) don’t much get on, I try to isolate it as much as possible.

It really isn’t the most sociable of diseases so I don’t tend to introduce it to people often seeing how it has a tendency to be a bit of a knobber. 

When I do get to go out though, especially to musical outings I forget that it, the disease is part of me and I remember who I really am for a second.

I’m not someone who is defined by her illness.

I am a damn hardcore punk as fuck bad ass. 

The atmosphere in live music does something to you.

After that gig I had a 4 day spell of feeling pretty much as OK as someone with lesions on their brain can feel.

Pretty much up until I had my injection I felt fantastic and then unfortunately I hit reset with a day of flu like symptoms and I was back to square one.

But that’s OK, last week reminded me that I can reach square 112. 

The band Against Me! have been firm favorites of mine for the past 7 years.

I own all but their latest album which is not to say their new album isn’t worth buying, I just don’t have the spare muller right now.

Thankfully Spotify is an awesome thing with free versions for broke ass broken people like me but perhaps Taylor Swift is right and it’s not a fair listening platform for artists?

I don’t know I’m not a musician.

I’m not sure she knows either.

I mean it’s not like she’s a gazzilionaire.

When I attend a gig I always go with a mental wish/dream set list knocking around my noggin but this was one of the few times I didn’t care what they played.

I was in love with every song.

I was ecstatic when they played ‘Pints of Guinness make you Strong’ and a little upset when they didn’t play ‘Borne on the FM Waves of the Heart’ but all the same I wouldn’t have changed it for the world because it was perfect. 

I’m a big and dedicated fan (of AM!) but I’ve never had the chance to see them live.

I think they played in 2008/9 also in Bristol but I was a fairly recent fan then and I think I was working at the time.

Laura Jane Grace did a solo show earlier in the year in London but I was too poorly to go so I missed out.

Third time was the charm.  

Laura Jane Grace is the front woman of Against Me! and she recently did a super interesting, super informative series short for AOL in which she documents her life long journey with being a trans woman.

It’s filled with some of the most beautiful yet most misunderstood people on the planet and is well worth the watch.  

This year Against Me! were the second live music outfit I attended.

They were second in November.

The first was City & Color in February.

The number of gigs I attend yearly is dropping,

I have gone from a gig every two months to just a couple a year.

It just serves as a reminder that I’ve totally lost who I am to this slow zombie disease and I need to start fighting back because it turns out that when I do, I feel better for it.

So perhaps I haven’t entirely lost who I am.

I think I’m in here somewhere.

So thank you Against Me!

You keep saving me time and time again.

Thank you to my BFF Tom who bought tickets.

Thank you to my girlfriend Charlie for driving me and buying us T-Shirts.

Thanks to my mom for looking after the cats. 

Thank YOU so much for reading. 






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